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The Art of Self-Care: Understanding Self-Talk, Self-Forgiveness and Boundaries

Writer's picture: Kristy WildKristy Wild

Updated: Dec 11, 2024

Self-care tips for student and practising counsellors...


Hey there!

A lady with blue swimmers and a blue bathing cap lying in a small stone-lined outdoor swimming pool, staring at the mountains, mist and greenery on the horizon

Today, let's delve into the interconnected aspects of self-care and explore how self-talk, self-forgiveness, and boundary-setting work together to create a foundation for our wellbeing. These elements aren't just nice-to-have additions to our lives—they're essential components of maintaining our physical, mental and emotional health.


The Power of Self-Talk


Let's start with what happens inside our minds. Self-talk, or inner-speak, is the ongoing dialogue we have with ourselves. This internal conversation shapes our self-concept and significantly influences our self-esteem and confidence. While positive self-talk uplifts and motivates us, negative self-talk can be deeply destructive.


Think about those moments when your inner voice says things like "I'm not good enough" or "I always mess things up". These thoughts often stem from internalised beliefs we've constructed about ourselves, typically based on past experiences. They can become so automatic that we barely notice them, creating a harmful habit of thinking the worst rather than the best of ourselves.


You see, our self-talk has this sneaky way of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we constantly tell ourselves we're not capable or worthy, we start acting in ways that reinforce these beliefs. It's like we're setting ourselves up to prove our negative thoughts right! But here's the thing – we can flip this around. When we consciously practice more compassionate self-talk, we're actually rewiring our brain to look for evidence of our capabilities and strengths rather than our shortcomings.


Breaking the Cycle: From Self-Criticism to Self-Forgiveness


This is where self-forgiveness becomes crucial. We often hold ourselves to impossible standards, which fuels feelings of guilt, failure and inadequacy. But here's the truth: we're human, we're prone to mistakes and errors, yet we are also capable of tremendous growth and change.


Self-forgiveness isn't about letting ourselves off the hook. Instead, it involves:

  • Acknowledging any hurt our actions may have caused

  • Taking accountability for these actions

  • Making amends where possible

  • Creating space for understanding, learning and healing


When we practice self-compassion and recognise our inherent humanness, we become better equipped to move forward from mistakes with confidence, strength and grace. This compassionate understanding builds our resilience and creates a foundation for genuine self-care.


So, let's chat about self-compassion for a moment, because it's actually the foundation that makes self-forgiveness possible. Think of self-compassion as being your own best mate – you know, that friend who sees you mess up but still believes in you completely? They acknowledge that yeah, you've made a mistake, but they don't define you by it. Instead, they remind you of your strengths and help you figure out how to do better and be better next time.


That's exactly how we need to treat ourselves! Self-compassion means understanding that our mistakes and struggles don't make us 'less than' – they make us human. It's about saying, "Yep, I messed up, and that feels pretty crappy right now. But I'm learning, I'm growing, and I'm doing my best with what I know". This kind of gentle self-awareness creates the emotional safety and kindness we need to actually look at our mistakes honestly, learn from them and move forward productively.


The Role of Boundaries in Self-Care


Speaking of self-care, it's important to understand that it's not an indulgence or sign of selfishness. Not at all! Rather, it's a necessary component of maintaining our overall wellbeing and ensuring that we have the energy to face life's challenges and support others.


Boundaries are a crucial tool in this practice. They help us:

  • Protect our time, energy and emotional resources

  • Define what's acceptable in our relationships

  • Create space for what truly matters to us

  • Reduce stress and prevent burnout


Setting boundaries isn't about shutting people out—it's about managing what we can realistically handle and cultivating respect for our own needs. When we establish healthy limits, we become more productive, creative and better equipped to handle stress. Ours and others'...


But here's something interesting about boundaries that often gets overlooked – they're not just about saying 'no' to others, they're about saying 'yes' to ourselves. When we set clear boundaries, we're essentially telling ourselves, "Hey, my needs matter too!"


This might look like:

  • Taking your lunch break away from your desk (even when work is hectic!)

  • Setting aside 'me time' each day (even if it's just 10 minutes)

  • Letting calls go to voicemail when you're spending quality time with family

  • Being honest about your capacity to take on extra commitments


And let's talk about why setting boundaries can feel so damn uncomfortable sometimes. Many of us grew up thinking that putting others first was a kind and giving way to be. We might now worry that setting boundaries means we're being difficult or selfish. But here's the reality check we all need: maintaining healthy boundaries actually helps us show up as better friends, partners, parents and colleagues - because we're not running on empty or building up resentment.


Starting Your Journey


If you're ready to begin or improve your self-care practice, start with these small steps:

  1. Notice your self-talk patterns. Challenge any negative thoughts and try to replace them with more constructive ones.

  2. Practice self-forgiveness when you make mistakes, remembering that imperfection, vulnerability and continued learning is part of being human.

  3. Begin identifying situations that cause you stress or discomfort—this awareness is the foundation for setting effective boundaries.

  4. Pay attention to physical and emotional signs of overwhelm, like muscle tension, elevated heart rate, or anxiety.


Developing these skills takes time and practice. So be patient with yourself as you implement changes and don't hesitate to adjust your approach as your needs evolve. Self-care is a fluid process, not a fixed destination.


Remember, all these elements – self-talk, self-compassion, self-forgiveness and boundaries – work together like a well-oiled machine. When one area strengthens, it naturally supports the others. For instance, when we practice more compassionate self-talk, setting boundaries becomes easier because we truly believe we deserve that respect and care. When we get better at setting boundaries, we have more emotional energy for self-compassion and forgiveness.


By combining positive self-talk, self-forgiveness and healthy boundaries, we create a powerful framework for Self-Care. This isn't just about occasional pampering—it's about creating a sustainable practice that supports our overall wellbeing and helps us show up as our best selves in all areas of life.


Start small, be consistent and remember that taking care of yourself isn't indulgent—it's essential. By nurturing these aspects of self-care, you're

building the resilience needed to face life's challenges with confidence and grace.



If you need help to identify your self-care goals or put a plan and/or strategies in place, please reach out - www.smallstepscounselling.com.au



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